Kiss N Tell some more

I felt the need to share a bit more of my inner thoughts. Lately they have been in overdrive of sorts over work, school, home and the car. I do have time now to sort stuff out before finals begin and the cramming for exams starts tomorrow. I got rid of a huge concern , The Land Rover and purchased a new Mercury SUV to drag the catamaran about safely. I wanted a small car but my hobby wont allow for it. Not safely anyway. The closest I got to a green product is the color.

So back to my thoughts. The car gone I feel a large amount of anxiety over a breakdown has been relieved. After living through the heater core I couldn't get my mind to accept that in time the possibility of changing the engine out was ever going to be acceptable. Ford fixed that worry with some great rebates on a 2008 leftover. But I will miss that lil car for a long time as I was very attached to it. It was more like driving a go cart then a SUV.

Work has been scary to say the least and I have watched many co workers get the ax. I am one of three left in our branch,, I think I eluded to that in a past post. I am in the office more these days and don't care to much for it for a few reasons. First I just got used to not being a commuter. I saved lots of gas and wear on my vehicle. Time management became a no brainer and it allowed me to do house chores and laundry and such as part of my day while taking business calls. I still worry about loosing my home as I'm still one hundred percent sales commissioned and sales being soft is an understatement. I really have to get a roommate to help lessen the burden I am feeling right now from carrying the mortgage. I know I am not alone in this crisis and I hope that things start to improve soon. My lasting power is about spent and I have avoided the roommate topic to this point. Thought about it yes and that is where it stopped from moving forward. One of my fears is getting a roommate who looses their job,,then what do I do? My gut is telling me that we are headed into a depression of the magnitude of the thirties and that the politico's are going to maintain the line that its just a prolonged recession. Look at how long it took them to admit the recession began in later 2007. I experience a income crash in October 2006 so who is telling the truth? I don't think my bank statements and pay stubs are lying,,at least the IRS doesn't seem to think so and aren't they the government? I think this is all being orchestrated to keep civil unrest from getting out of hand. Something that they wont be able to control without martial law. We certainly are tittering on the brink of total meltdown and I'm bloody scared as hell. Okay time for me to put on a floral top to get out of the depression creeping in.

The Nursing career path and schooling is still on track and I soooooo love school even though it has worn me down some. The balance between work and school is a world class balancing act in itself. The online applications that I sent to two local hospitals has left a silent response in my email account set up just for my Nursing journey. I will do two more today at the other nearby hospitals in an attempt to get some additional experience and a dependable income flow. I have of late had that lingering feeling that since they have my old name on record these days I will never be contacted for an interview because of my transsexual status. I wish that part was against the law to ask for on applications. The good Dr Ousterhout did a fine job on my face and my small size has allowed me to live pretty much in stealth mode to those I interact with on a daily basis. Even my classmates have no idea of my goofy past life. So why must I provided the link to my past that will surely set off the bells and whistles of my birth defect???

So I will persevere in attempt to find my place in the nursing field. I feel and hear my old mantra repealing itself over and over again. "I can, I will, I must, failure is not an option! "

Land Rover Part III The Conclusion or is it?

Okay,,So she is back together no leaks,,A few extra screws left over so the job is done right. I cleaned her interior, windex the windows and took her to the car wash to suds up n wax her finish. The car wash machine ripped the antenna off,,,,hahahahaha, Okay you win I am but putty to the marvels of your engineering excellence. Think I'll go for a ride tomorrow along a cliff near water and See how she holds the road. I'm not Scared she should be. Who knows maybe she will end up on a car lot waiting for the next girl to catch her eye and draw her into her dark web,, Peace time to veg out and drink some wine and watch a Viennese waltz and cozy up by the woodstove until sleep over takes me.

Land Rover Part II The Saga Continues

Okay so I,m taking a break for a bit. The 5.5 hour job to get the heater core out is off slightly about 50% on the removal,,,figuring that it will take me even longer to put it all back ,,,cross my fingers and toes and hope everything works and that the cylinder head gaskets are okay. Let the saga continue. I have about 9.5 hours in it so far. Those Brits have such a sense of humor,,,that or they baked their minds in the sun while on safari in the savannah's of deep Africa and are surely mad,,,,

To be continued........

(sure hope I,m done by xmas)

Holidays Bahhumbug and LandRovers

I'm feeling anxious

It must have been caused by a piece of undigested beef,,or maybe dirty beer taps at the fire house. But I'm not much of a holiday seasons person. But I sure love a nice vacation when the economy is moving along just nicely. I don't get asked to family events any longer since my historic transition. All the better by me as I hated the family drama that unfolded every year and also I especially despised the travel required I had to endure so that I can listen to my family members semi agree to get along. Dad always nervous about large gathering was always on edge. So I enjoy my distance today but not the fact that I'm now the outcast. I did talk a few minutes with my mom Tuesday (very few, less then 5 minutes). We haven't talked anymore then that most of the past year. I wanted a cranberry relish recipe that I've decided I'm not gonna make anyway. I just don't have the energy to do the shopping thing. But Mom overall has gotten worse over time with my switcheroo and Dad better or at least he has found peace with it. But still the invite to family stuff isn't there anymore.
For years I had been cooking away Thanksgiving dinner for a T friend and then after a girls slumber party of sorts stuffed and too much wine. This year I decided not to because of school and the fact that I'm exhausted mentally and physically. Full time work along with watching many of my co workers get laid off has taken its toll on me. I have made the job cut repeatedly,,how funny,, that I remain as others get added to the failed economy casualty rolls. My branch office where I took up residence after transition is down to 3 folks including myself. Damn depressing and scary stuff in reality. I am the everything girl now at work and have moved my computer to the recently vacated office- receptionist desk in the main lobby. I want to be able to help cover the phones and support the parts guy during heavy business activity periods. Our business seems to be feast or famine with activity as far as the daily load goes. The phones ring endlessly or are silent for long periods. So much for the office,,, but it will certainly be quieter with just three of us there. I said my goodbyes to the branch manager last nite when leaving. He has been moved back to the main office starting Monday. He has always been a friend and ally to me and I cherish our friendship deeply. One of those guys that really gets and accepts me. Though we did but heads on occasion before my switcheroo.
My son will be with my x spouse again this year with his other siblings and family. I have elected to not interfere with this holiday because I think it is important that he spends it with them. It is the only one that I don't do the annual swap days with her even though it is in our settlement. Lately, Justin has been coming over here during the week for dinner and computer online games that he plays with some friends from school. So I really don't feel cheated for his time and actually feel I cheat him of mine because of work, school and homework. November has other dates that seem to wear me down also. One of them being my wedding anniversary date on the 22 nd. Something about twin two's for me, April 22 nd was my gender reassignment date also. It was also the day that Kennedy got whacked by folks that we will never know,,,but will continue to wonder about for years to come. At least maybe the baby boomers like myself. But I am sure many things happened on Nov 22nd. To many to even give thought too.
So,,,on to my 2003 Land Rover Freelander. I have to admit I just adore this lil SUV,, but not how its about to get into my pocket. To be honest it really has been charming to own and comfortable as hell to drive. Fairly inexpensive and simple to maintain till now. I have had the common listed vehicle problems that require a few hundred dollars to make disappear and figured it was part of the annual ownership expenses. I grumbled and drug my feet when it was time to put tires on. The fact that no one offered tires except Michelin didn't bother me till I saw the price. A serious got ya at $1400 plus for 3. I used the new spare hanging off the back as the fourth.
The pain of that 30,000 miles ago has fade somewhat but not the lurking knowing that at 140,000 miles those tire will have gone up a bunch I am sure. That was my bail out point for the car,,,or so I thought. I'm sitting at 98,000 miles and the heater core has developed a leak,,another problem know by the dealer but not warrantied. So I call the local dealer and order a new core all of a book sized piece. I learned last night it was $375 delivered to my home and I opened the box to find out it is rusted even though brand new. OOOOh this is starting to feel wrong . I talked with a friend I grew up with who owns a foreign repair shop. He informs me that yes the core is problematic in the model and actually most Rovers in time need one. The factory time to change it out is 5.5 hours and the whole dashboard has to come out. I pondered whether I should do this myself as way back in the day I turned wrenches for a living and I still own the tools of the trade. The thought of another $600 for labor didn't appeal with me. So late last night after my son left I came down to my office computer to look up the removal and installation instructions. That was about the time I begun to feel ill and decided more alcohol was in my immediate needs list. It appears that there are folks working on a class action lawsuit to get the engines replaced in the car and that the head gaskets will blow out and repairs are expensive and success after with water leaks are a common occurrence. Well that was a nice full roundhouse punch in the stomach while I was drinking my beer. I still owe about $5000 on the car and really need to do something about trading this car out fast,,like this week if I can work out the financing as to not have a larger car payment,,,Drats, I don't want to buy a new car dammit. I was getting prepared for the 140,000 mile gig but not this and not now. Some folks will be Xmas shopping Friday,,I will haggling to get out of this mess. But, Damn I love that lil car, surely I am a masochist. It's gonna be a weekend of hand cuts and broken nails,,I just hate that.

Enjoy the Holiday if you must, But be back to work all the earlier on the morrow hmmmph.

Have You Ever Used,,,,,

* Have you ever used another name for employment: ___ Y or N. If yes provide below

_________________________________

Well in the electronic world of the web we have made it convenient to prospect for jobs and employees. We have made it so sterile that we don't even have to meet the candidate or prospective employer. We can just cut and paste a resume into a online job application and walaa just like magic all about us is transported to a non human piece of circuitry for someone hidden in a closed door office to peruse. Kinda like a corporate peeping tom in some ways or Nazi Germany at the camps,,left line, right line into the trash deleted. Are we now just bytes on a computer and the human aspects less or unimportant?

I have been with the same company for 25 years now if I make it until June 24th and I have never seen things in the corporate world or country in such despair regardless of party affiliations. I am glad to be back in college working on my nursing career. First its a long time coming and I have always been absorbed with the job and working with folks in distress. Secondly I just love being in the mix of young folks and the challenges of bettering myself. I never had this drive or determination before transition. Back in the ole days it was just putting up with my place and deliema on the planet. Today it is all about the zest for life and all the new mountains I have to explore. My gender shift has allowed me to see the world as it should have been so many eons ago for me and to experience the contentment I have with my lot in life these days. Surely I didn't make a mistake when I jumped into the potential nightmare of transition.

The college schooling is still on track and the time to look into getting something other then book knowledge is upon me. I could use the hands on experience and some additional cash flow during the current state of our economy. So I have begun the search at the four local hospitals for a patient care assistant position. I might as well get my hands wet and some real life experience before I have to do it for a grade during clinicals. Its not like I have extra time but the dark days of winter are upon us and its a good time to grow some more outside the confines of my home among other like minded folks in the medical field.

I heard about a job at one of the local hospitals from a classmate and she told me to go for it and to use her name as a reference. Do it online Jenna its so much easier. Sooooooo I did and got another education in the troubles of maintaining a stealth living lifestyle. I never considered that someone would just plain out ask the question at the top of the page. Guess what,,They did. Not just once but 6 times on the application. Once for the warm up and five more times for your present or past employers. Its kinda like a boxers knockdown punch and the remaining few blows to finish you off to make sure that your not getting back up from the mat. To say I was floored would be an under statement,, how naive of me. I quickly called a friend that is a paralegal with a international law firm in NYC that is experienced with LGBTI issues and laid out my concerns. Can they really do this? She said, Jenna in that industry it is common place and you must out yourself if you want a chance. Those that get found out later are dismissed immediately and there are no its a minor infraction regardless of how good an employee you are. I said, Yes but this isn't at all fair and was informed that even a small fib will get you fired if it is found out. I was devastated to say the least. I said, Yes but when they see my old name I won't even get a face to face interview. I dont stand a chance to prove my worth. She was a lot more optimistic about that then I and her words of soothing didn't help the knot forming in my stomach.

I removed my classmates name, a current employee of the hospital from the referral line of the application. I always want her to see me for who I am, not who I was. I put "his name" down on the required line and sat numbly wondering if I should hit the send key on my keyboard or run away. Minutes passed quietly while I stared at the screen of his name and wondered how long it had been since I had seen it and was that really me? Was that ever me? The guy who nurtured me when I couldn't do so for myself. Did I still feel the same love for him that I did once I stood as a woman on my own two feet? It all seemed like cloudy bits of a long forgotten dream sitting there staring silently back at me. A distant reminder about how far I have traveled on this path. Was I tired, ready to surrender, beaten down and ready to say okay, you win? Never, failure is not an option. I gently pressed down on the mouse key and sent the application to an emotionless server somewhere in the confines of some computer at the hospital. Now I sit waiting for a call that will most likely never come.

Kiss n Tell?

The age old mega dilemma of do I out myself and if so when? I have spent valuable hours battling this subject and have approached it personally differently many times. Usually right after being jilted by someone when they know my deal and listening to the endless barrage of how could I's and me being informed what a piece of shit I am.

The fact that I am bisexual and enjoy both genders equally has given me the not so dubious pleasure of having been verbally abused by both. Its double your pleasure or not. I can say that the reason that I tell today is for fear of being hurt or worse. I have changed my tell later position when it is with someone that I might at some point get intimate with. But when to drop the pocket sized nuclear device remains trouble some. There never seems to be the "right" time and the analyzing what the outcome once they know might be is tiresome to my grey matter.

Even as I type this blog I know that I don't always tell straight away and the inner turmoil has thus been started yet again.

The good news is if that's what you want to refer to it as is that I don't date anymore. There are many reasons why I have stopped the search for a soul mate. Since I have been back in college semi full time for about a year now I just don't have the time. I struggle just to get my homework and studying done. The fact that I work full time at the same time and need to be sure to give my 11 year old son quality time has my free time in the negative column someplace. There are other reasons also to stay single. Like my switheroo status both sexually and my new genitalia being part of them and how normal folks perceive me. I tend to pick folks that cheat as partners and that doesn't sit well with me and the last time that occurred was back in February 2000 and I have yet to recover from that. That has left very deep slowly healing scars and like all scar tissue the remains of the injury are always there even when hidden by clothing. The scars on the inside are there but hidden from your view.

So back to the core of this subject. Summer 2007 I was in deep with Mr Right. I will use his real name Steve. He was the first male that made my skin tingle and he made me fell so just right. Everything was wonderful and we clicked perfectly in and out of bed. Some months had gone by and I invited him to visit with a couple for a weekend in Pennsy that I am good friends with. We went out for the evening with them and Gary and Steve got along just fabulously. I kept feeling how right things where and that I was going to keep moving in the right direction with him. Finally maybe some stability again. I got up from the table to go to the ladies room and Jan said she was coming also. So we left the guys and headed off to the inner sanctuary of the woman's bathroom. We walked in the door and as it closed Jan said, Jenna he is in deep with you, I mean he is just crazy about you. I smiled and said, Yes I know. She replied, You haven't told him have you? I utter, No, and got quiet. She told me I owe him that and I agreed and told her very soon but not tonight. We went back out and joined the guys at our table and the night took its course and soon we were asleep in bed.

The next day I headed for a meeting in Ohio and Steve left to go home. Somewhere in the time I was gone someone who knew my past took it upon themselves to inform him of my unique status. The fallout after left me scarred emotionally yet again. One day I was the best thing in his life the next a piece of tranny trash. I was hurt and angry about being seen differently because of my birth condition. How dare you see me differently! I am that person you fell for and what you got was the best of me. I am not a piece of garbage to be tossed out because of my past life. I retreated back into the safety of my home and stopped venturing out into the dating world again for sometime until a girl friend coaxed me back out.

So this time it would be different including the gender. And there was Robin a cute Jewish lesbian girl that might be fun to spend time with. This time it would be different and I would tell before intimacy occurred. She was one of those early attempts at clearing the air about me. We went from on track heading in a good direction to derailed, crashed and burned. I told her a month into the deepening relationship before we had progressed to the intimate in the sheets or where ever it occurred level. Haha,,You know when the moment hits you there may not be a bed about, hahaha. She informed me she needed to think about it a few days and then sent me a Dear Jenna letter.

Today I am glad to be disconnected from the dating scene and school has my mind completely occupied for the next 3 years. Thank God, I need a rest from myself,,hehe. I still have no clue what I will do the next time I re-enter the dating fray. It will be the beginning of the turmoil again. Maybe it will be a early preemptive punch in the verbal face of Hey I,m a tranny how about that now go away. I saved us both pain and embarrassment. Those that have approached me lately get the, Hey read my profile again or I have a goofy past life I was born in a different gender. It's a reverse I got you first thing. Prolly a defense system to keep me from getting in over my head and hurt yet again. A bit aggressive maybe but it sure clears the air of any doubts about who I am.

Pyschology103

Part of that well rounded nursing career education is taking a Pysch class. After all the therapy sessions this should be an easy A, right? Well then again prolly not. Though I can say I looked forward to the class from the perspective of being a participant from the other side of the couch. Well in some ways the class is what I expected and in others it is not. The school work is typical of my other classes, too much work in too small a period of time. But I adore being here so its really not any real problem. I just need to remember I work also and need to schedule less class credit hours per semester.
Back to Pysch,, So the lectures are a pain,,boring hours spent writing as fast as I can and trying to answer the profs questions here and there as I can add something coherent to the fray. We had two journal articles that required some reading, thought and a reaction paper to be written.
The first was a hassle to get started because like any unknown that first step is a lil difficult. It was on Red Shirting, holding a child back intentionally to let them mature a bit more. When I was married we had done that to my daughter so I did have some personal experience to draw from when it was time to format my paper and spill the words onto paper. The second reaction paper has got my undivided attention and I have yet to really start on it. A reaction paper is not suppose to be written in the first person. This one is going to be hard to separate my feelings on
It is a article called Being Brenda. A well know mess of a story about twin boys and a circumcision that all but left one of them with no penis. The story is tragic beyond words. Dr Money was the John Hopkins Professor who thought gender was neutral at birth and could be taught or conditioned. This is about where my blood goes to boil and I think about bad things to do to him if there was a dark alley about and we happened to met there. The family was treated like lab animals and Dr Money has never been held accountable for his actions and the treatment that the boys and their parents endured. Brenda shifted back to a boy because that ultimately was what he was. Eventually years later he committed suicide and the family history has remained tragic to say the least. Dr Money is still a emeritus Professor at John Hopkins. Somehow that sure just doesn't sit well with some folks, Me being one of them.
Somethings are apparent rather quickly,,,like boy we have come a long way since 1967. The thought that gender can be taught is really not credible anymore ( if it ever was) and rather that we are what we identify as be it male or female. This being regardless of birth gender or sexual alignment.
I said we have come a long way towards being understood but we are still somehow close to 1967 in many ways. Socially we are accepted in some places while not in others. Medically we are still in the infancy of understanding our anatomy and biology,,,the stuff that makes us as we are. Donna Rose mentions in her blog a Aussie article that shows that yes we are indeed who we say we are. The American medical population as a whole doesn't embrace those findings as does those that make the laws to make us all equal. We continue to evolve as a group but being held back by others who would rather we go away again quietly. How sad. I'll write that reaction paper with a bit more of my soul in it very soon.

School ,school and yet more school

I was coaxed one day when complaining about my lot in life. I had settle down on the warm sandy beach of the catamaran club where I keep my fiberglass girlfriend to chat with a member who was looking for conversation. He was a older man who has seen up and downs in his life and asked me how I was doing. It was one of those mind spin days of worrying about how I was going to make ends meet. I replied that I was worried what the future held and that my job was tied to a industry that is cyclical in nature and appears to be in decline. I shared that I was beginning to get very concerned with the trends I saw developing in our market area. It wasn't that I'm not grateful for where I am in life,,but the state of where I am going has me a bit more then concerned I told him. No one at the cat club knows of my funky past life and I think he just sees me as a single mom finding her way with her son.

He said, Don't wait for things to get worse. Reinvent yourself, I have many times and learn to change with the times and don't be afraid to start over. I threw all the objections I could think of at him,,,its all I know, I'm to old, I have a house, mortgage and son to worry about. I regret dropping out of college looking for the easier way. He never lost the smile on his face,, So you think you different? You the only one who ever started over again? (well different? damn right,,lol ) I hate being on guard all the time for that slip that would out me.

He asked,, So what would you like to do that you have never done before,,,something that you have pondered but never took serious maybe. I pushed the warm sand about for a bit with my hands and said, I would love to be a RN nurse. My family is full of them and first responders. I am a firefighter already and have toyed with the idea of doing first aid with the squad like my mom and sister.

But I,m too old to start that now and ya know I have bills to pay. He smiled and said, Do it, do it now that is a wonderful career. Your not to old and you have the right drive and personality,,,Do It.

I sat for a bit longer avoiding the fact that the sun was fading, it was time to get my catamaran back in her cradle on the beach and tied down. I thanked him for the conversation and made off to take care of my sailboat. I walked away with a seed planted in my mind.

Well that was two summers ago and I have just about finished my first year in nursing school. Me the girl with the funky past, too old to start over, the college drop out. The worries I had about the economy and the industry I am in were real for me and many others. I struggle more today then back then, how I need tuition money also besides the rest. I have never worked so hard in my life. My free time is study groups, homework, library, yet more study, reviews, study and tests. I juggle work full time and college the same way. Taking care of my son, home and yes leaving a very small bit of time to breath and remembering to enjoy the gift of being me, finally.
ps: I wouldn't change a thing I feel so alive.

Beginnings

I am not sure where or when the first day of "knowing" began. It was certainly something that was always a integral part of my being. Often I was referred to by my mother as Sensative "him" when I wasn't acting quite like a male my age. So, I grew up not fitting but never sure why. Sure I was playing the birth role well but never sure why I felt the way that I did. Didn't everyone feel this way??? Certainly they did and it just wasn't talked about because it was, well you just don't talk about feeling odd. Or then again,,did they think like me too? Looking back,,that would be a solid no they didn't. The timing of all this coming out stuff was left to cook for many years. More then I wish it had been allowed to do so. The carnage of the coming out period is one I keep tucked away in my soul as a reminder to myself to never do to myself again or to those that where family ,friends and co-workers. The real beginning of that slow train out of the station was facial feminization surgery with Dr O. I believe that was the stepping off place of a one way ticket to what my future as a woman might hold for me. There were of course the sessions of drama at work months before after being outed by a female coworker and confidant. That out letter to the masses at work. The letter that once read by management was a non reversible message. It certainly wouldn't be received well to come back at a later date and say,,Oh by the way I was just kidding,,funny joke eh? So, my visit to San Francesco was to forever make things right was the point I call the beginning. I will forever feel love and gratitude to the wonderful care received at Cocoon and for the care and dedication of Dr Ousterhout and his staff. It was truly the time that the caterpillar morphs into a butterfly. The time makes the memory of pain from surgery fade away to a unpleasantry. But the memory has been replaced to one of excitement of what is yet to be and the New Beginning. I experience a zest for life these days, each new one unfolding yet a new chance for opportunities of what will be my legacy, my mark the piece of me that remains long after I have left this world.