Kiss n Tell?

The age old mega dilemma of do I out myself and if so when? I have spent valuable hours battling this subject and have approached it personally differently many times. Usually right after being jilted by someone when they know my deal and listening to the endless barrage of how could I's and me being informed what a piece of shit I am.

The fact that I am bisexual and enjoy both genders equally has given me the not so dubious pleasure of having been verbally abused by both. Its double your pleasure or not. I can say that the reason that I tell today is for fear of being hurt or worse. I have changed my tell later position when it is with someone that I might at some point get intimate with. But when to drop the pocket sized nuclear device remains trouble some. There never seems to be the "right" time and the analyzing what the outcome once they know might be is tiresome to my grey matter.

Even as I type this blog I know that I don't always tell straight away and the inner turmoil has thus been started yet again.

The good news is if that's what you want to refer to it as is that I don't date anymore. There are many reasons why I have stopped the search for a soul mate. Since I have been back in college semi full time for about a year now I just don't have the time. I struggle just to get my homework and studying done. The fact that I work full time at the same time and need to be sure to give my 11 year old son quality time has my free time in the negative column someplace. There are other reasons also to stay single. Like my switheroo status both sexually and my new genitalia being part of them and how normal folks perceive me. I tend to pick folks that cheat as partners and that doesn't sit well with me and the last time that occurred was back in February 2000 and I have yet to recover from that. That has left very deep slowly healing scars and like all scar tissue the remains of the injury are always there even when hidden by clothing. The scars on the inside are there but hidden from your view.

So back to the core of this subject. Summer 2007 I was in deep with Mr Right. I will use his real name Steve. He was the first male that made my skin tingle and he made me fell so just right. Everything was wonderful and we clicked perfectly in and out of bed. Some months had gone by and I invited him to visit with a couple for a weekend in Pennsy that I am good friends with. We went out for the evening with them and Gary and Steve got along just fabulously. I kept feeling how right things where and that I was going to keep moving in the right direction with him. Finally maybe some stability again. I got up from the table to go to the ladies room and Jan said she was coming also. So we left the guys and headed off to the inner sanctuary of the woman's bathroom. We walked in the door and as it closed Jan said, Jenna he is in deep with you, I mean he is just crazy about you. I smiled and said, Yes I know. She replied, You haven't told him have you? I utter, No, and got quiet. She told me I owe him that and I agreed and told her very soon but not tonight. We went back out and joined the guys at our table and the night took its course and soon we were asleep in bed.

The next day I headed for a meeting in Ohio and Steve left to go home. Somewhere in the time I was gone someone who knew my past took it upon themselves to inform him of my unique status. The fallout after left me scarred emotionally yet again. One day I was the best thing in his life the next a piece of tranny trash. I was hurt and angry about being seen differently because of my birth condition. How dare you see me differently! I am that person you fell for and what you got was the best of me. I am not a piece of garbage to be tossed out because of my past life. I retreated back into the safety of my home and stopped venturing out into the dating world again for sometime until a girl friend coaxed me back out.

So this time it would be different including the gender. And there was Robin a cute Jewish lesbian girl that might be fun to spend time with. This time it would be different and I would tell before intimacy occurred. She was one of those early attempts at clearing the air about me. We went from on track heading in a good direction to derailed, crashed and burned. I told her a month into the deepening relationship before we had progressed to the intimate in the sheets or where ever it occurred level. Haha,,You know when the moment hits you there may not be a bed about, hahaha. She informed me she needed to think about it a few days and then sent me a Dear Jenna letter.

Today I am glad to be disconnected from the dating scene and school has my mind completely occupied for the next 3 years. Thank God, I need a rest from myself,,hehe. I still have no clue what I will do the next time I re-enter the dating fray. It will be the beginning of the turmoil again. Maybe it will be a early preemptive punch in the verbal face of Hey I,m a tranny how about that now go away. I saved us both pain and embarrassment. Those that have approached me lately get the, Hey read my profile again or I have a goofy past life I was born in a different gender. It's a reverse I got you first thing. Prolly a defense system to keep me from getting in over my head and hurt yet again. A bit aggressive maybe but it sure clears the air of any doubts about who I am.