Vagina Monologues

I posted a video recently on Youtube about my successful attempt at getting my college to include the transgender monologue in this years productions of the Vagina Monologues in April.
The video was my attempt at a apology for going to the reading/tryouts with a agenda to sway them to include the trans monologue. I read a portion of the monologue The Flood for the tryouts. I am all about inclusion for all and especially for woman. Happening to be one it would be silly of me not to be dont you think?,,hehe.
I at the least wanted to help coach a younger girl to perform the part. I ended up getting the part last sunday nite. I argued that I could better support another girl but the director insisted that I did the part. She felt I would bring more to the piece because of whom I am. Well I prolly would loose that argument if I decided someone born with a vagina would be better at understanding the transgendered experience. Besides I never was comfy with the movie Transamerica and the fact that they used a genetic actress to play the part. It just didnt sit right with me ever. Even though they did a nice job trying to tell our story from just one persons experience. Well I didn't like the story line either. It was just to sensationalism Hollywood for me. But then my life is rather boring and couldn't sell a ticket in a theater,,roflmao. I thought how would I ever memorize it all after I opened the email with the script. The original reading was by Calpernia Addams, Andrea James and Lesley Townsend. The monologue is written closely along her real life story. Well, We had our cast run through in the order it will be done on stage. It was an interesting mix that covered the entire gambit of human feelings from the female perspective. From laughs to tears,,we were all moved and the seriousness of what we were going to do was felt by all in the room.
I practiced my lines over and over when I had time in the car or was alone in my home. It actually started to sink in and the lines came naturally from my mouth. I was totally amazed,,it was if I had a microchip placed in my grey matter someplace and it was responding to some hidden stimuli. I was somewhat prepared for that first run through and actually the words flowed smoothly out of my mouth as did all the body language and emotions that followed. I read serious pieces while looking some of the girls randomly in the eyes. My inflection to the piece moved me to near tears. After the meeting was over and the director and a few girls remained we chattered about how exciting it was that we were launched. The director smiled at me and said, Jenna you were awesome with the part. I smiled and told her the words seem to be sinking into my head. I thanked her and a few other girls when the shared that they welled up with tears. I said, It really wasn't acting but just the reality of who I am being exposed so it was all natural. I sat with a black girl who was beautiful by the way and we talked quietly for a long while and she told me I was the first transwoman she had ever met and she was glad to meet me. We chatted about anything and everything trying to bring each of us closer to the other. Lol,,,we were successful,,haha.
I hope the bonds that were formed in that room that first night will be repeated throughout the production and we sway and change minds when we go on stage to spill it all out to the audience.

Ring, Ring, Hello, Hi Robbie, Now who are you?

Death has a funny way of screwing with your ying and yang and all the stuff surrounding. I am sitting here,,well not just now, but for most of the day where ever I happen to be thinking "wtf". My Dad died yesterday. For most of us this is a very sobering occasion, not something we are ever really quite prepared to digest. For me and my siblings it has been many years of what ever happened to him after the divorce. Is he alive or dead and where?
Soon after the family crashed and burned and Mom and Dad went on their separate journeys my father went on with his life. It was good that he moved on,,the not so good option was that he and his new wife decided we were bad or disposable children and we were dismissed from their life's. To say it has spun up the heads of his sperm donation to my mother is an understatement to the heirs of his deposit. The word dysfunctional in my family is classic Olympic gold stuff.
I being a 15 year old something handled it better then the younger 3 kids. My sister two years younger did a fair job of trying to maintain a relationship with him. Ultimately it was a waste of time and more scars were added to our individual Psyche. My younger sister and brother both just never had a clue of how whacked we were and were never explained that they did nothing wrong. It just wasn't my Dad,,but it was his whole clan. None of them agreed on how to spell our family name. It came in many variations and being young I never got just how that was just okay.
Anyway, I was sitting at my desk today,,playing the everything person because of the slow down in the economy. The phone rings and I have this belief that treat folks how you want to be treated that comes from the you reap what you sow school of thought. I answer, Thank you for calling xxxxxxxx can I help you? The male voice on the other end replies, Hello Jenna as if they knew me. I said, Yes this is Jenna can I help you and the reply "Hi its Robbie" I reply hi Robbie how are you in this upbeat voice and he says, Just fine and you? I tell him I'm wonderful and you are Robbie who with whom? His answer is clear with his last name this time and about that time my jaw hits my chest. It is my cousin last seen when he was about 6 years old. Like me his voice has changed,,lol. But no doubt this is no whats knew with you conversation. I ask him why he is calling just in case it is business. More wishful thinking.
He informs me my father died yesterday and he wanted us to know. It seems he was close to my dad. Something that most of us never seemed to achieve. He continues to spell it out for me and I'm not sure how to respond. It seems my dads wife was never going to let us know and Robbie wasn't okay with that. I finally ask him how he found me after the switheroo and all on my part and soon learn he has always known where I was and that had full knowledge of my transition. He wasn't sure how to approach me but was totally accepting. We seem to have a common friend that never let on that he was nearby until today and the need to break the ice so to speak.
So I'm going to met this 6 year old minds eye adult for dinner in a few days and do some of that stuff that families do,,, Bond and be family. I cant wait. A door closes completing closure and another opens,,,,,,imagine that. So tonight I sit here contemplative not sure of all the raw feelings and emotions vacillating through me and say good bye to my father,,,,

Kiss N Tell some more

I felt the need to share a bit more of my inner thoughts. Lately they have been in overdrive of sorts over work, school, home and the car. I do have time now to sort stuff out before finals begin and the cramming for exams starts tomorrow. I got rid of a huge concern , The Land Rover and purchased a new Mercury SUV to drag the catamaran about safely. I wanted a small car but my hobby wont allow for it. Not safely anyway. The closest I got to a green product is the color.

So back to my thoughts. The car gone I feel a large amount of anxiety over a breakdown has been relieved. After living through the heater core I couldn't get my mind to accept that in time the possibility of changing the engine out was ever going to be acceptable. Ford fixed that worry with some great rebates on a 2008 leftover. But I will miss that lil car for a long time as I was very attached to it. It was more like driving a go cart then a SUV.

Work has been scary to say the least and I have watched many co workers get the ax. I am one of three left in our branch,, I think I eluded to that in a past post. I am in the office more these days and don't care to much for it for a few reasons. First I just got used to not being a commuter. I saved lots of gas and wear on my vehicle. Time management became a no brainer and it allowed me to do house chores and laundry and such as part of my day while taking business calls. I still worry about loosing my home as I'm still one hundred percent sales commissioned and sales being soft is an understatement. I really have to get a roommate to help lessen the burden I am feeling right now from carrying the mortgage. I know I am not alone in this crisis and I hope that things start to improve soon. My lasting power is about spent and I have avoided the roommate topic to this point. Thought about it yes and that is where it stopped from moving forward. One of my fears is getting a roommate who looses their job,,then what do I do? My gut is telling me that we are headed into a depression of the magnitude of the thirties and that the politico's are going to maintain the line that its just a prolonged recession. Look at how long it took them to admit the recession began in later 2007. I experience a income crash in October 2006 so who is telling the truth? I don't think my bank statements and pay stubs are lying,,at least the IRS doesn't seem to think so and aren't they the government? I think this is all being orchestrated to keep civil unrest from getting out of hand. Something that they wont be able to control without martial law. We certainly are tittering on the brink of total meltdown and I'm bloody scared as hell. Okay time for me to put on a floral top to get out of the depression creeping in.

The Nursing career path and schooling is still on track and I soooooo love school even though it has worn me down some. The balance between work and school is a world class balancing act in itself. The online applications that I sent to two local hospitals has left a silent response in my email account set up just for my Nursing journey. I will do two more today at the other nearby hospitals in an attempt to get some additional experience and a dependable income flow. I have of late had that lingering feeling that since they have my old name on record these days I will never be contacted for an interview because of my transsexual status. I wish that part was against the law to ask for on applications. The good Dr Ousterhout did a fine job on my face and my small size has allowed me to live pretty much in stealth mode to those I interact with on a daily basis. Even my classmates have no idea of my goofy past life. So why must I provided the link to my past that will surely set off the bells and whistles of my birth defect???

So I will persevere in attempt to find my place in the nursing field. I feel and hear my old mantra repealing itself over and over again. "I can, I will, I must, failure is not an option! "

Land Rover Part III The Conclusion or is it?

Okay,,So she is back together no leaks,,A few extra screws left over so the job is done right. I cleaned her interior, windex the windows and took her to the car wash to suds up n wax her finish. The car wash machine ripped the antenna off,,,,hahahahaha, Okay you win I am but putty to the marvels of your engineering excellence. Think I'll go for a ride tomorrow along a cliff near water and See how she holds the road. I'm not Scared she should be. Who knows maybe she will end up on a car lot waiting for the next girl to catch her eye and draw her into her dark web,, Peace time to veg out and drink some wine and watch a Viennese waltz and cozy up by the woodstove until sleep over takes me.

Land Rover Part II The Saga Continues

Okay so I,m taking a break for a bit. The 5.5 hour job to get the heater core out is off slightly about 50% on the removal,,,figuring that it will take me even longer to put it all back ,,,cross my fingers and toes and hope everything works and that the cylinder head gaskets are okay. Let the saga continue. I have about 9.5 hours in it so far. Those Brits have such a sense of humor,,,that or they baked their minds in the sun while on safari in the savannah's of deep Africa and are surely mad,,,,

To be continued........

(sure hope I,m done by xmas)

Holidays Bahhumbug and LandRovers

I'm feeling anxious

It must have been caused by a piece of undigested beef,,or maybe dirty beer taps at the fire house. But I'm not much of a holiday seasons person. But I sure love a nice vacation when the economy is moving along just nicely. I don't get asked to family events any longer since my historic transition. All the better by me as I hated the family drama that unfolded every year and also I especially despised the travel required I had to endure so that I can listen to my family members semi agree to get along. Dad always nervous about large gathering was always on edge. So I enjoy my distance today but not the fact that I'm now the outcast. I did talk a few minutes with my mom Tuesday (very few, less then 5 minutes). We haven't talked anymore then that most of the past year. I wanted a cranberry relish recipe that I've decided I'm not gonna make anyway. I just don't have the energy to do the shopping thing. But Mom overall has gotten worse over time with my switcheroo and Dad better or at least he has found peace with it. But still the invite to family stuff isn't there anymore.
For years I had been cooking away Thanksgiving dinner for a T friend and then after a girls slumber party of sorts stuffed and too much wine. This year I decided not to because of school and the fact that I'm exhausted mentally and physically. Full time work along with watching many of my co workers get laid off has taken its toll on me. I have made the job cut repeatedly,,how funny,, that I remain as others get added to the failed economy casualty rolls. My branch office where I took up residence after transition is down to 3 folks including myself. Damn depressing and scary stuff in reality. I am the everything girl now at work and have moved my computer to the recently vacated office- receptionist desk in the main lobby. I want to be able to help cover the phones and support the parts guy during heavy business activity periods. Our business seems to be feast or famine with activity as far as the daily load goes. The phones ring endlessly or are silent for long periods. So much for the office,,, but it will certainly be quieter with just three of us there. I said my goodbyes to the branch manager last nite when leaving. He has been moved back to the main office starting Monday. He has always been a friend and ally to me and I cherish our friendship deeply. One of those guys that really gets and accepts me. Though we did but heads on occasion before my switcheroo.
My son will be with my x spouse again this year with his other siblings and family. I have elected to not interfere with this holiday because I think it is important that he spends it with them. It is the only one that I don't do the annual swap days with her even though it is in our settlement. Lately, Justin has been coming over here during the week for dinner and computer online games that he plays with some friends from school. So I really don't feel cheated for his time and actually feel I cheat him of mine because of work, school and homework. November has other dates that seem to wear me down also. One of them being my wedding anniversary date on the 22 nd. Something about twin two's for me, April 22 nd was my gender reassignment date also. It was also the day that Kennedy got whacked by folks that we will never know,,,but will continue to wonder about for years to come. At least maybe the baby boomers like myself. But I am sure many things happened on Nov 22nd. To many to even give thought too.
So,,,on to my 2003 Land Rover Freelander. I have to admit I just adore this lil SUV,, but not how its about to get into my pocket. To be honest it really has been charming to own and comfortable as hell to drive. Fairly inexpensive and simple to maintain till now. I have had the common listed vehicle problems that require a few hundred dollars to make disappear and figured it was part of the annual ownership expenses. I grumbled and drug my feet when it was time to put tires on. The fact that no one offered tires except Michelin didn't bother me till I saw the price. A serious got ya at $1400 plus for 3. I used the new spare hanging off the back as the fourth.
The pain of that 30,000 miles ago has fade somewhat but not the lurking knowing that at 140,000 miles those tire will have gone up a bunch I am sure. That was my bail out point for the car,,,or so I thought. I'm sitting at 98,000 miles and the heater core has developed a leak,,another problem know by the dealer but not warrantied. So I call the local dealer and order a new core all of a book sized piece. I learned last night it was $375 delivered to my home and I opened the box to find out it is rusted even though brand new. OOOOh this is starting to feel wrong . I talked with a friend I grew up with who owns a foreign repair shop. He informs me that yes the core is problematic in the model and actually most Rovers in time need one. The factory time to change it out is 5.5 hours and the whole dashboard has to come out. I pondered whether I should do this myself as way back in the day I turned wrenches for a living and I still own the tools of the trade. The thought of another $600 for labor didn't appeal with me. So late last night after my son left I came down to my office computer to look up the removal and installation instructions. That was about the time I begun to feel ill and decided more alcohol was in my immediate needs list. It appears that there are folks working on a class action lawsuit to get the engines replaced in the car and that the head gaskets will blow out and repairs are expensive and success after with water leaks are a common occurrence. Well that was a nice full roundhouse punch in the stomach while I was drinking my beer. I still owe about $5000 on the car and really need to do something about trading this car out fast,,like this week if I can work out the financing as to not have a larger car payment,,,Drats, I don't want to buy a new car dammit. I was getting prepared for the 140,000 mile gig but not this and not now. Some folks will be Xmas shopping Friday,,I will haggling to get out of this mess. But, Damn I love that lil car, surely I am a masochist. It's gonna be a weekend of hand cuts and broken nails,,I just hate that.

Enjoy the Holiday if you must, But be back to work all the earlier on the morrow hmmmph.

Have You Ever Used,,,,,

* Have you ever used another name for employment: ___ Y or N. If yes provide below

_________________________________

Well in the electronic world of the web we have made it convenient to prospect for jobs and employees. We have made it so sterile that we don't even have to meet the candidate or prospective employer. We can just cut and paste a resume into a online job application and walaa just like magic all about us is transported to a non human piece of circuitry for someone hidden in a closed door office to peruse. Kinda like a corporate peeping tom in some ways or Nazi Germany at the camps,,left line, right line into the trash deleted. Are we now just bytes on a computer and the human aspects less or unimportant?

I have been with the same company for 25 years now if I make it until June 24th and I have never seen things in the corporate world or country in such despair regardless of party affiliations. I am glad to be back in college working on my nursing career. First its a long time coming and I have always been absorbed with the job and working with folks in distress. Secondly I just love being in the mix of young folks and the challenges of bettering myself. I never had this drive or determination before transition. Back in the ole days it was just putting up with my place and deliema on the planet. Today it is all about the zest for life and all the new mountains I have to explore. My gender shift has allowed me to see the world as it should have been so many eons ago for me and to experience the contentment I have with my lot in life these days. Surely I didn't make a mistake when I jumped into the potential nightmare of transition.

The college schooling is still on track and the time to look into getting something other then book knowledge is upon me. I could use the hands on experience and some additional cash flow during the current state of our economy. So I have begun the search at the four local hospitals for a patient care assistant position. I might as well get my hands wet and some real life experience before I have to do it for a grade during clinicals. Its not like I have extra time but the dark days of winter are upon us and its a good time to grow some more outside the confines of my home among other like minded folks in the medical field.

I heard about a job at one of the local hospitals from a classmate and she told me to go for it and to use her name as a reference. Do it online Jenna its so much easier. Sooooooo I did and got another education in the troubles of maintaining a stealth living lifestyle. I never considered that someone would just plain out ask the question at the top of the page. Guess what,,They did. Not just once but 6 times on the application. Once for the warm up and five more times for your present or past employers. Its kinda like a boxers knockdown punch and the remaining few blows to finish you off to make sure that your not getting back up from the mat. To say I was floored would be an under statement,, how naive of me. I quickly called a friend that is a paralegal with a international law firm in NYC that is experienced with LGBTI issues and laid out my concerns. Can they really do this? She said, Jenna in that industry it is common place and you must out yourself if you want a chance. Those that get found out later are dismissed immediately and there are no its a minor infraction regardless of how good an employee you are. I said, Yes but this isn't at all fair and was informed that even a small fib will get you fired if it is found out. I was devastated to say the least. I said, Yes but when they see my old name I won't even get a face to face interview. I dont stand a chance to prove my worth. She was a lot more optimistic about that then I and her words of soothing didn't help the knot forming in my stomach.

I removed my classmates name, a current employee of the hospital from the referral line of the application. I always want her to see me for who I am, not who I was. I put "his name" down on the required line and sat numbly wondering if I should hit the send key on my keyboard or run away. Minutes passed quietly while I stared at the screen of his name and wondered how long it had been since I had seen it and was that really me? Was that ever me? The guy who nurtured me when I couldn't do so for myself. Did I still feel the same love for him that I did once I stood as a woman on my own two feet? It all seemed like cloudy bits of a long forgotten dream sitting there staring silently back at me. A distant reminder about how far I have traveled on this path. Was I tired, ready to surrender, beaten down and ready to say okay, you win? Never, failure is not an option. I gently pressed down on the mouse key and sent the application to an emotionless server somewhere in the confines of some computer at the hospital. Now I sit waiting for a call that will most likely never come.